I’m currently at the airport killing two hours till I depart. I love sitting in the airport. While I don’t remember verbatim the scene of the Kevin smith film with Matt Damon and ben affleck talking about people watching and trying to figure out their story and where they are going, it’s definitely why I like the airport.
It’s been an interesting week / month. Between being in extreme back pain and mentally trying to prepare for spending back to back holidays with my family, I somehow feel okay right here right now. A relationship died out with someone I was feeling was incapable of love and in the entertainment industry for the money and not for the love of creating. On top of that I couldn’t stop overlooking the fact that he didn’t seem to care about who I was and appreciate that I’m smart funny and kind.
Feeling hopeless and alone, an ex popped back into my life and while I was trying to negotiate love in any small amount I could get, was told there was none to give in which I was honest and voiced frustration and after not getting an explanation, shot back a tantrum judgmental email. The response pretty much inferred the story I was filling in the blanks was based on my past scars and not the truth and I was asked to never contact him again. Luckily on the drive home before I got his response I was reflecting and able to sort out my part and the truth and made an amends with expectations that they hate me and ill never talk to them again.
This was the same day I learned about the extent of revenge porn and a site devoted to shaming and destroying women’s lives.
The world seemed like an ugly place. I was hating everything about myself where when people tried to tell me something nice about myself, I just burst into tears and got upset.
I hung out with someone older and wiser and while they are trying to fight lung cancer were kind enough to talk about my own shit and reassure me of how great I really am and offered me some tools for coping.
Despite the lows I go through from time to time, I can still have an appreciation and sometimes sense of humor of the darkness and see what a charmed life I have and still don’t know what I did to be so lucky to have people in my life that love me. The fact that I spend most of my time around them and so little time around the people I don’t really want to makes me pretty grateful.
Today was good except driving back to work I was thinking about my own mortality and coming to terms that one day I just won’t exist and consciousness will be gone. I am pretty sure it just ends but luckily enough just re-uped with Buddhism and am hoping I picked a sect where at least I can tell myself that they are promising reincarnation.
It’s been a while since I’ve thought about this. When I was a kid, id have insomnia that turned into panic attacks that death was merely being stuck frozen in a body underground with full consciousness but no ability to do anything. Just alone with thoughts and darkness like being forced to stay in bed but not really having anyone to ask to come into my room and be with me until I feel asleep.
The government shutdown is probably the most likely thing that triggered the morbid thoughts. It seems like a scary unknown place where some friends are getting paid to work and some friends can afford to get well because they cant afford health care and I feel so powerless like that little kid at night full of fear. Ironically I also haven’t been sleeping well.
Are you watching breaking bad? I’m not. For whatever reason I was hoping I might coincidentally run into you last night. I am trying to spend this time working on myself but there are some times that I feel alone and want to reach out to you which wouldn’t be good for either of us probably. I got a parking ticket on Friday the 13th. Ironic, I know. I still haven’t paid it even though it is totally my fault for not reading the signs and not thinking weho would magically change their signs for meters. I wish I could have shared the story with you. We probably would have had a good laugh over it. I’m not exactly sure I know what I am supposed to do now but I guess I can not know for a while longer.
As I lay me down to sleep I pray these things to be healed.
Let the light continue to shine in the little trans girl who became homecoming quern. Unfortunately you’re dealing with the most ugliest extremes of learning that not everyone will like you. But there is someone who will love you unconditionally so those other louder voices wont even seem to matter to you. Walk through with grace and when you get through the other side go back and help someone go through it with someone like you by their side.
Now I know I dont talk to you a lot god. And I cant really tell if you’re already working on it. But whatever happens. Please surround my friends alison and dan and their son Evan around with your love. Im Buddhist so im not exactly sure how this prayer thing works but please find a kidney match for evan as allisons kidney is failing in evans tiny body. Ive seen miracles with this kid so I have no doubt in your power. I guess I want to spare this little dude of the trauma of dialysis again. God please help this family.
What did you do today? Ironically I drove past a place that meant something in the story of us on the way to a date. Within three seconds of meeting him, I unfairly started comparing him to you. Or at least the you that I choose to remember. We went to an art gallery that took 10 min to see and I felt bad bailing that early so I ended up relapsing on pizza. After that I drove home alone stuffed full of regret. I parked far and the guy didn’t even think about walking me to my car. Now that I replay the night I didn’t even laugh once on the date.
Do you think of me still? What are you watching on tv? Do you still hate yourself? Do you think we’ll ever see each other again? I can’t imagine it being anything other than accidental and incredibly awkward for me because you meant a whole lot more to me than I to you. but thank you for letting me get to pick what we get to watch on tv.