Words. Words. Words.

  • Death is a hard one for me to deal with. Next to heartbreak, I would rank death harder to deal with than when I have to deal with being sick of being in extreme physical pain.

    Yesterday, I got news that the guy I went to prom with’s older brother was hit by a car while cycling with friends on PCH. Later in the day, I read the news that Robin Williams took his own life.

    Robin Williams’ death is sad and it hits close to home, but I really didn’t feel as torn up as some of my other “friends” on “Facebook.” No, I wouldn’t call this “the saddest day ever” for myself, nor would I have called him “the best comedian that ever lived.” Ironically, and despite this coming across like as really cold hearted, but the most impactful Robin Williams film for me was “What Dreams May Come,” which ironically is about what happens after death. We had it on VHS at home, and I don’t know why I liked to rewatch it. Probably, because I was so emotionally scarred from the “Hearse Song” from the book “Scary Stories” that any positive story to tell me what was going to happen when I died, I would rather compulsively try to re-brainwash myself into believing that. It’s weird. In that film, Robin Williams kids / Robin Williams were killed by cars. And his wife takes his own life. She ends up going to hell. Robin Williams leaves Heaven to try to save her.

    I don’t know why this is what is coming to mind when I heard about both deaths and Robin William’s overall work during his life. I don’t know why it bothers me that I feel like people are being a bit too dramatic and concerned with expressing how sad they are right now. What about my friend’s brother’s life? What about the other deaths going on in the world? What about their families that are left behind? I don’t know why this feels exactly like last summer when people were claiming PTSD over the Red Wedding shit. For me, there are so many unknowns about death / my death. I can’t completely say for certain that I’ve ruled suicide out as an option for how I’m going to leave the planet. Am I doing everything in my power to not end up that way? Yes. Do I have this completely licked? No. Do I have all the answers? No. Do I feel hopeless today? No. Is there an unlimited amount of resources to help me and other suffering from the same thing if we choose to seek help? Absolutely.

    In other news, I hope this guy kills himself.

    http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/08/12/robin-williams-didnt-die-disease-died-choice/

  • How to Love a Girl Who Doesn’t Know How to be Loved

    Whether we know it or not, we’ve all met some form of the typical “Miss Independent.”

    Some of us know her better than others; some of us claim that title ourselves.

    She’s the self-sufficient, somewhat mysterious go-getter with big dreams and an even bigger heart, though not everyone sees it at first glance.

    Some might see her as cold and distant, because she needs a significant amount of alone time to keep her from feeling scattered and spread so thin that she disappears. Sure, she has family and friends with whom she loves to spend much of her time, but it’s in her nature to crave those precious hours of solitude—being only with her thoughts, completely alone in a crowd or in the vastness of a quiet scene.

    Some call it antisocial; she calls it sanity.

    For any or all of these reasons and then some, she’s never been the type to “fall in love.” In fact, if she has ever been in a relationship to any degree, it was likely one of the most difficult and confusing things she’s ever experienced—and she’s not usually one to be deterred.

    Perhaps she’s too focused on her goals to realize that love could be knocking on her door, or she’s so comfortable with being in control that the thought of surrendering even a little bit to someone else makes her uneasy. There’s also a chance that, despite her outward confidence and undeniable potential for success, she’s extremely insecure.

    Or, maybe she’s simply afraid of opening herself up enough to be loved.

    Whatever the reason, it comes down to the fact that this girl probably doesn’t know how to handle the love that a suitor might want to give her. It doesn’t mean she’s a lost cause, it just means that developing any kind of relationship with her will require an approach that’s more sensitive to her guarded heart.

    In an effort to offer some insight, here are a few pointers for learning how to love a girl who doesn’t know how to be loved:

    1. Be patient.

    Don’t expect her to feel comfortable with diving headfirst into anything even slightly resembling romance. Keep in mind, it’s probably taken her a great deal of contemplation and courage to even consider spending her time with you. And if she does appear comfortable responding to your first moves, it’s quite possible that she’s actually terrified of what you’ll think of her if she asks to slow things down. So, she just musters the strength to submit herself to the moment, only to spend all night feeling horrible about her dishonesty and inability step on the brakes. This will freak her out enough to make her sever whatever ties were made and withdraw immediately—something she’s not afraid to do.

    To avoid that, let things unfold at a pace that feels natural, which might be slower than what’s considered “normal.” Remember, she’s not used to this, and too much at once will surely send her over the edge. Showing sensitivity to her pace will let her know that she doesn’t have to fear being out of control, causing a miscommunication or feeling the pressure of time.

    2. Talk.

    Because she spends so much of her time alone and in her head, this girl might be under the impression that her thoughts and opinions are a bit too intense for others. She rarely shares the things on her mind, as she fears that whatever’s in there is so deep and inquisitive that people will think it’s overdramatic, oddly philosophical or just plain weird. She values deep conversation, but feels that she can exercise this pleasure with relatively few people, if any at all.

    So talk with her. Let her know that she can say what’s on her mind, and don’t be afraid of her ability to dissect every possible meaning of a theory she’s been hung up on for weeks. If she apologizes for rambling about it, tell her she doesn’t need to be sorry, she doesn’t need to suppress it. Make her feel that although she is certainly unique for having such thoughts, she isn’t crazy or abnormal.

    Tell her it makes her all the more beautiful.

    And then, give it right back to her. Be sure to engage in her contemplations just as much as you listen; she wants to hear your thoughts more than you realize.

    3. Support her.

    Part of this girl’s struggle with letting herself be loved could be that she is relentlessly focused on her dreams and goals, so much so that she forgets to make room in her life for other things—like relationships. It’s not something she does intentionally, she’s just extremely determined to achieve whatever she has set out to do.

    If she is forced to make a choice between a love life and her goals, she’s already chosen the latter. So don’t make her choose.

    And certainly don’t make her feel guilty for not spending more of her time with you as a result—she’ll take that as another sign that she needs to sever the ties, even if they’re stronger at this point.

    Instead, support her. If you really love this girl and she really loves you, then she’ll welcome the encouragement. She’ll want to support you, too. Let her; with a heart as passionate as hers, you’ll want her on your team.

    4. Don’t be two halves of a whole, be two wholes that make an even greater whole.

    Remember that this “Miss Independent” is just that—an independent chick with an ability to fend for herself. She might even be afraid of relying on others, no matter how much she trusts them.

    Therefore, don’t think of a relationship with her as one that joins two halves together to make a whole; she won’t treat it as such, and she definitely won’t feel comfortable if you do. Rather, see it as two wholes becoming an even greater whole—two individuals who love each other enough to respect the other’s independence and uniqueness.

    This includes honoring her need for alone time. She realizes that you are a person with or without her and asks that you see her in the same way. Being able to spend time apart is important to her; she doesn’t want to rely on your presence, nor does she want you to rely on hers.

    Don’t try to spend every hour of every day with her unless you want her to feel so bombarded that she tailspins into a mess of tears, word vomit and utter confusion, ending with her breaking it off and swearing to never interact with another human ever again.

    But when you are together, be together. Completely. Let her know she is loved until she begins to understand what that feels like, and then keep doing it. If it’s right, she’ll come around. And because she’s loyal by nature, she’ll stick around, too (so don’t give her any reason to think that you won’t).

    Truly, this girl has a lot of love to give, even if she’s a bit awkward in showing it at first. She just needs time—time to figure things out for herself, to better understand how this works.

    Let her figure out that deep down, she just wants to love and be loved—just like everyone else.

    If she happens to let you close enough to love her, take it seriously. It means she’s trying. It means she wants to love you. And remember that helping her learn how to be loved in return is the surest way to win her heart.

     

     

    Originally seen via Sara Rodriguez on

    http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/03/how-to-love-a-girl-who-doesnt-know-how-to-be-loved/

    Life After Death

    It’s weird how my perspective on something can shift in the matter of a day.

    Here are three events that happened that made me think about death this week.

    1. Paul Walker’s death

    Recently, the star of all of  “The Fast and the Furious” films died in a car accident. Yeah, I get it. It was sad, he was young and the way he went was tragically ironic.  What bothered me, though, were the Facebook posts from my friends about how torn up they were about it.  Personally, I had more important things on my mind that mattered, namely, my good friend’s 4 year old son’s second kidney transplant that was happening and how traumitized the little kid gets before each surgery and the following pain he would have to face.  Why was everyone so upset about Paul Walker?  Because he was hot and famous?  I didn’t know the guy. Was he a good person?  Was he a good father?  Was he of service to the world?  Later in the week, I found out that he started dating his girlfriend when he was 33 and she was only 16.  So, yeah, I wasn’t all that torn up that another pedophile was wiped off the face of the Earth.  I saw his death as Evolutionary Psychology.

    2. Scary Stories on the Silver Screen

    On Wednesday, I found out that this book series that I read as a child, called “Scary Stories” was going to be made into a movie.  I have no idea why my parents thought it would be a good idea to buy these books for me, because they pretty much traumatized me.  One particular chapter, “The Hearse Song,”  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Hearse_Song, talked about what happens to your body after you died and it really freaked me out.  I would have panic attacks at night, laying in bed, knowing I couldn’t get up otherwise my parents would be really pissed at me, thinking that essentially that’s it feels like after you die.  You’re fully conscious of everything that’s going on, but paralyzed, six feet under, in a very dark casket, aware of the worms eating your body.  On Thursday, I talked to my therapist about this feeling I had as a child and she asked me when I stopped thinking death was going to be like that. I told her my best guess was when I was in the sixth grade and my so-called friends bullied me and I started wishing I were dead that I had stopped fearing it.   My therapist asked me what I thought today happens when you die. I told her, “Nothing. It’s the end. Nothing happens. I cease to exist”

    3. Dennis Blake’s Death

    On Friday, I heard that a friend from the rooms suddenly, unexpectedly, passed away in his sleep.  He was younger than my parents by a few years, and while I wasn’t extremely close to him, he was a great guy, and I really liked him.  It was sad and shocking to hear, but overall, I can see the big picture and accept that death is just another facet of life, and there really wasn’t anything I could do that could change what would happen.  I’ve known Dennis for coming up on six years.  He would always share about his wife that passed away before I had come into the rooms, and how much he loved her and missed her. While, I had never let the lady, hearing Dennis and his stepson share about her, I knew she must have been a true lady of recovery that I would have respected.  As soon as I heard the news on Friday, it was while processing Dennis’ death that I started hoping that, at least for him (I don’t even need this to be true to myself, but just hoping and wishing that for him, that there was something after death, where he could finally be with his wife that he loved so much.  I went to his funeral today.  I didn’t think I would, but I cried.  It was sad. It was sad to see the people who loved him so much, really upset.  I went to pay my respects to the family, and hoping there would be answers, if anything maybe like affirmation that he was in fact, now with his wife.  Dennis’ two stepsons made mention of it, but it still wasn’t really enough proof for me, and it still seems like this big existential question I keep thinking about knowing that I may never know the answer.  But I do really, truly, honestly hope for Dennis that he’s with his wife.  And for the past six years, I know that when I hope and wish and pray and have love for other people that eventually it turns into a smidge of returned feelings that I have for myself, so while I’m confused and sad now, I know that this experience is just another thing that will essentially help me learn, grow, and love myself more.

    So, maybe, even if there isn’t some after life or heaven or whatever religion can come up, maybe moments that I had after someone’s death does spark a new thought or just the experience alone within someone else brings about a new life after any death.  So, if anything, I can comfort myself with that thought for now that at least there will be something after my own death that would make me happy.

    Plastic Surgery and Dove Campaigns can’t fix the world.

    Aside

    A director for a men’s magazine at work was talking about how he was driving down the street with his five year old daughter in the car, and they passed a billboard for a “gentlemen’s club,” with a blonde haired girl on it, and his daughter turns to him and says, “Daddy, when I grow up, I want to be Barbie.”

    Seriously. I can’t make this stuff up.

    It kills me.  It confuses me. On one hand, I didn’t think Miley Cyrus’ MTV performance warranted that much of media backlash calling her a whore. Do I think she should have twerked herself on a married man? No, that was wrong.  But I’m tired of women getting flack for expressing their sexuality. I’m sick of the double standard of being around my guy friends and hearing them obsessed with getting on the “pussy train,” yet the minute they get wind of a girl we know having casual sex, suddenly, she’s a slut with 1,000 dicks inside her.

    There’s this girl in WA that has the exact same name as me. She’s at least five year younger than me, but already married.  We’re nothing alike. She was in the Marines.  She’s really into video games. I’m not even sure we share the same name, as she half Japanese, with a Asian mom, so presumably, she’d really have her caucasian father’s last name.  She friended me on facebook, and so I’d get her status updates on my feed.

    Last year, around my birthday, I saw her post something about her husband wanting her to get breast implants, so I privately messaged her.

    ME:

    i saw a post about breast implants over the weekend?  you’re beautiful just as you are.  your husband is a damn fool. i think you’re awesome and wouldn’t change a thing.  <3

    HER:

    Thank you very much!! I wish I heard more like this from others! >_<_<”>
    ME:
    i think im a little bit older from you, but speaking from my experience, its your body and your decision.  if someone doesnt accept you, it’s their loss, and i’m sure there are thousands of people who will love you how you are today. i know i’ve found them. i know we both like to dye our hair and pierce things, but this is like a whole other realm.  if you need me to call anyone out for being a dick, let me know.

    HER:

    I will – thanks for being there (arigatou) (=.

    This year, she went to Japan, and got sized D Breast implants. Ever since, she’s been posting numerous selfies of herself, in bras amd heavy makeup with weird hashtags like #humanbarbie and #savingupfordatrhinoplasty.  Apparently someone trolled her about her looks, to which she felt the need to update her public page that touts being a model, cam girl, whatever and that she was feeling low and fishing for compliments. bra and underwear pictures followed.

    It kills me. It confuses me. I mean, I get it. I hate myself, too. I look at her nose and think, I would totally get plastic surgery to have my nose look like her nose. I look at my eyelids and think about double eyelid surgery. I start mentally financing liposuction.  I guess I’m lucky, though.  Similar to Beth Ditto’s laments about the people who once had “thin priviledge” and then had it taken away from them (which I have had, thanks to an eating disorder,) I feel the same about my physical appearance.  No one ever told me I was beautiful. (If anything, I was noticed for my sense of humor, and my self esteem is still so low, that sometimes I even question that in myself.) Luckily, I was never valued for my looks until I was 30, and suddenly found myself dating 40 year olds that were calling me sexy for the first time in my life.  One guy I dated, who was older, extremely hot and had an impressive imdb page, I particularly despised.  I resented that he didn’t seem to give a fuck about who I was. He didn’t care that I was smart or funny or kind, he just kept telling me I was sexy. After a month, I just let the relationship die.

    Sometimes I wish I could shake sense into girls, because I feel like my heart to hearts aren’t working.  But honestly, this is a problem that I will not be able to change. I can’t save anyone. I can’t even save myself.  I hate my body. Photographs of me trigger my eating disorder. I do like my sense of style though and I feel like I am able to express my point of view well.  But the way I look isn’t for compliments or attention (both positive or negative.) It’s just a combination of things that I find aesthetically attractive to my own standard of beauty, that just happens to slant more counter-culture than conventional.  I mean, my look is unnatural, but artistic.  I seem to be in a world where women are trying to fit a societal-based standard of beauty through unnatural and permanent means.

    I wish it were easier for girls today. I don’t know what I can do to change that. I’ve ranted about disney princesses.  I’ve tried to compliment girls on their personalities and their unique yet beautiful physical traits.  I don’t know what else to do.  I’m kinda at a loss towards the human race right now, and this seems to be an issue that really breaks my heart.  I wish the world was different.

    Thank you.

    I’m currently at the airport killing two hours till I depart. I love sitting in the airport.  While I don’t remember verbatim the scene of the Kevin smith film with Matt Damon and ben affleck talking about people watching and trying to figure out their story and where they are going, it’s definitely why I like the airport.

    It’s been an interesting week / month. Between being in extreme back pain and mentally trying to prepare for spending back to back holidays with my family, I somehow feel okay right here right now.  A relationship died out with someone I was feeling was incapable of love and in the entertainment industry for the money and not for the love of creating.  On top of that I couldn’t stop overlooking the fact that he didn’t seem to care about who I was and appreciate that I’m smart funny and kind.

    Feeling hopeless and alone, an ex popped back into my life and while I was trying to negotiate love in any small amount I could get, was told there was none to give in which I was honest and voiced frustration and after not getting an explanation, shot back a tantrum judgmental email.  The response pretty much inferred the story I was filling in the blanks was based on my past scars and not the truth and I was asked to never contact him again.  Luckily on the drive home before I got his response I was reflecting and able to sort out my part and the truth and made an amends with expectations that they hate me and ill never talk to them again.

    This was the same day I learned about the extent of revenge porn and a site devoted to shaming and destroying women’s lives.

    The world seemed like an ugly place. I was hating everything about myself where when people tried to tell me something nice about myself, I just burst into tears and got upset.

    I hung out with someone older and wiser and while they are trying to fight lung cancer were kind enough to talk about my own shit and reassure me of how great I really am and offered me some tools for coping.

    Despite the lows I go through from time to time, I can still have an appreciation and sometimes sense of humor of the darkness and see what a charmed life I have and still don’t know what I did to be so lucky to have people in my life that love me.  The fact that I spend most of my time around them and so little time around the people I don’t really want to makes me pretty grateful.